Letters To The Man Who Broke My Heart – Day 2

Day 2

Its Saturday 18th October, and it’s been over 24 hours since you’ve spoken to me and honestly I don’t know how I’ve got through it, feels like I’m losing my mind. I think I needed to write before I actually go insane. I’ve got this pain in my stomach like a Sunday night before school when you know you’ve not done your homework. I wanted to just write how I feel, I don’t think I’m going to be able to do it well, but I have no idea what’s going to happen or what we’re going to say to each other so I wanted you to have this written thing so that you can always know how I feel, no matter what happens.

I have tried to not feel this, I don’t want to let it in. I’ve exhausted myself these last couple of days simply by trying not to feel. That is hard, and its given me a headache I don’t think will ever go. I’ve been unsuccessful of course, I’m not strong enough I suppose. Right now I’m trying to think what love is, because I can’t seem to shake all the cliches and the books and the films. Everything I want to say sounds like a stupid song. There can’t be a definition, or an explanation. It’s entirely irrational. I read some ancient myth about people having four arms and legs and two heads but the Gods didn’t like it so they split them apart and they were forever looking for the other half. I think this is where ‘soul mate’ comes from. I don’t know why I’m writing about that. It made me so sad to imagine it, and to imagine these people in physical pain searching for their other.

I can’t explain love, I can’t explain why I feel this way. Maybe if I cold explain it, I could cure it, turn it off. You make me feel unbelievably calm, and I know sometimes that hasn’t been obvious by my actions, but you bring me so much peace. Everything feels still and quiet inside. It’s what home feels like. You are everything I want to be. Patient, selfless, generous. You know the answer before I know the question. You cancel out my badness. You make me better.

I can’t write about our lives together because I think I will break. Everything I see and do is a reminder of us, even here, in a place so far, that you’ve never been to, everything is you. I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t bring myself to think about more than a few weeks into the future.

I am hurt, but I will heal. You might never change your mind, we may meet in another time, I don’t know. Whatever happens, whoever comes and goes, I will forever love you in some way.

I love you for everything you are, for everything you’ve done for me, I love you for the way you’ve held my hand and I love you for the pain you’ve caused. I love you for every fight, every touch, every word we’ve said. I love you for all the things you’ve given me and for all the flaws you’ve overlooked. I love you for your gentle soul, your patience and your soft voice. I love you for being strong and for being weak. I love you for loving me and for not.

I hope our lives will always be entwined.

Amie x

Day 2 part (i) Day 2 part (ii)

A Series

Recently, my life has changed. For good, or for bad it has changed.

My partner of 5 years ended our relationship via social media. He said he didn’t love me, and hadn’t for the past 2 years. He’d been lying and pretending. He’s also seeing a 17 year old girl. Before I moved abroad 3 months ago, we were living together, so everything I own, he has. He was supposed to be visiting the week after. He did not even call me, he refused to even speak to me.

To stop my brain from exploding, I wrote, and continue to write, letters to him, which I will never send. I’m going to post them here. Perhaps one day he’ll stumble upon them.

They will be completely unedited. I will also post photos of the handwritten pieces. I was taking medication at some points so the writing is difficult to read. I was angry at some points so the writing is difficult to read.

She in the night

She’s the one I think of
When it’s 3am and I can’t sleep and that old familiar itch creeps through my veins.
I recall how she slid into bed and tucked her body into mine, nestling her lower back into my hips.
One hand around her waist, the other in her hair
I breathed her in, every drop.
She turned and our breasts touched
She ran a hand up the back of my leg
I was fire
Her face in my hands, I kissed her
More than this moment required
With sincerity and guts
Even in my drunken state I was nervous, holding this blossom in my arms
I wanted every part of her, to taste every inch of her honey skin
I traced my fingers across her heaving body until they found the lace that remained
They clung to it, refusing to let go, following the edges across her stomach.
She gasped and it was like the wind through a meadow.

I think I loved her in that moment, hidden in our darkness
When we were done she curled back into me, wrapping herself in my body as I whispered a thousand times
You are perfection

When I woke she was gone
And I felt like I had missed the sunset of the dying sun in its last hour.