Its Saturday 18th October, and it’s been over 24 hours since you’ve spoken to me and honestly I don’t know how I’ve got through it, feels like I’m losing my mind. I think I needed to write before I actually go insane. I’ve got this pain in my stomach like a Sunday night before school when you know you’ve not done your homework. I wanted to just write how I feel, I don’t think I’m going to be able to do it well, but I have no idea what’s going to happen or what we’re going to say to each other so I wanted you to have this written thing so that you can always know how I feel, no matter what happens.
I have tried to not feel this, I don’t want to let it in. I’ve exhausted myself these last couple of days simply by trying not to feel. That is hard, and its given me a headache I don’t think will ever go. I’ve been unsuccessful of course, I’m not strong enough I suppose. Right now I’m trying to think what love is, because I can’t seem to shake all the cliches and the books and the films. Everything I want to say sounds like a stupid song. There can’t be a definition, or an explanation. It’s entirely irrational. I read some ancient myth about people having four arms and legs and two heads but the Gods didn’t like it so they split them apart and they were forever looking for the other half. I think this is where ‘soul mate’ comes from. I don’t know why I’m writing about that. It made me so sad to imagine it, and to imagine these people in physical pain searching for their other.
I can’t explain love, I can’t explain why I feel this way. Maybe if I cold explain it, I could cure it, turn it off. You make me feel unbelievably calm, and I know sometimes that hasn’t been obvious by my actions, but you bring me so much peace. Everything feels still and quiet inside. It’s what home feels like. You are everything I want to be. Patient, selfless, generous. You know the answer before I know the question. You cancel out my badness. You make me better.
I can’t write about our lives together because I think I will break. Everything I see and do is a reminder of us, even here, in a place so far, that you’ve never been to, everything is you. I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t bring myself to think about more than a few weeks into the future.
I am hurt, but I will heal. You might never change your mind, we may meet in another time, I don’t know. Whatever happens, whoever comes and goes, I will forever love you in some way.
I love you for everything you are, for everything you’ve done for me, I love you for the way you’ve held my hand and I love you for the pain you’ve caused. I love you for every fight, every touch, every word we’ve said. I love you for all the things you’ve given me and for all the flaws you’ve overlooked. I love you for your gentle soul, your patience and your soft voice. I love you for being strong and for being weak. I love you for loving me and for not.
I hope our lives will always be entwined.